Stop dipping your nipples in guacamole, you vole.

So today was a great day.

I got a stellar bo-bellar. I got a groovy 3 hours of sleep last night, which is sufficient for a day, I think. I mean how much more could someone ask for, i mean it doesn't get much lengthier than that, you can't ask for more, stop asking for me, this is getting out of hand.

So before i went to bed I watched a really new and quality movie. It was new, and the graphic effects were better than star wars. Im talking...better than star wars. Thats pretty good.

Oh oh baby, want some more gravy. I love the way you pour ya you do it so 'mazin. Im hungry now, so turn around, 5 4 3 2 1, make that thick gravy go PO-TA-TO.

I finished all of my homework that I have. Nothing was late, everything was turned in. I didn't set up a mandatory conference with my English teacher at a time that I actually have class. Nothing.

So i got a job at Aeropostale to be one of their models. They grabbed me out of a crowd and told me that  my features were perfect, they said not many people are 6'3, tan, muscular, and have blonde hair like me. I really am one in a million.

THATS YOUR PUNISHMENT, I AM THE TRIPLE A

Just a few pictures to get your mind in the CORRECT state that it should be in to read such literature.

My weekend was fun-filled. It was like a doughnut day. The jelly in the middle was the fun, the doughnut was the day. So it was fun-dough-jelly-nut.

So after a exhilarating Rocky Horror Picture Show, that didn't involve awkward dancing that I knew ALL the moves to. Lets do the awkward-crouch againnnn!!!! Over all it was a good time, and the "crew" took home a majority of costume prizes. I was proud. Don't let me forget the classy glass of wine we had at Amy's apartment as a pre-game. Rocky pre-game. Did you want to wake up with rice in your bed?

After the extravaganza, I did a little dranky-drank at the Riverview. Where Emmanuel decided to voice all opinions about everyone, as if his mind was a faucet. I was not annoyed, and i did not strike him.

Last night, if you want to call it night, was the winner.

After pre gaming at Hannah-squared's room, where I did not consume two HUGE water bottles full of bacardi and coke in while after I had to fill up another one before we left, we went to a "pre game party".

This party consisted of me dominating in flip cup, and making all of the 20 year olds feel retarded. A mutual friend who goes by the name of "Fez", was getting a little sloshy, more on this later.

An unidentified individual kept social whoring around, and I was getting annoyed.

Oh, and this gross girl was all over me but I decided I didn't want an STD that day so we bailed.

We got back to sandburg to party more, and we are checking in we here Fez come Ka-STORMING up behind us with his elephant feet. He informs us that he did not take the shuttle from the shuttle-stop to sandburg, but he instead ran. The running plus alcohol made him throw up several times. I was ENTERTAINED.

So Fez and I be-bopped around in the quick-mart type thing and headed up to Snooki's room. Now, side note, Fez fell asleep in Snooki's roommates bed. Before passing out in a drunken-blackout, he kept saying he was going to take a picture of himself in her bed and send it to her. He definitely knows her and has her number. Throughout the night Fez was sleeping on his phone that was ringing off the hook, we ignored it at all times. We found out the next day that it was his suite mates that were locked out of their room, cool.

So i obviously dug through his stuff and found a wig in his bag, that I wore for a short period of time.

I was NOT BARRELING THROUGH, gallons of Captain, I wasn't. Let me say, I was the self proclaimed heavy weight champion and called myself that because I was the most functional.

Afteer some fun, two other unidentified individuals went off to "find shoes" to war, AKA have sex. Almost as if to annoy me because they wanted me to know they were doing that so bad. While they were gone there was some fighting involving Snooki and Stephanie and I, all over the drama over the last month or so with that group. Fighting is always good at 6 am. So i went and sat on the stoop of sandburg waiting for a shuttle that was not coming. I mapped out how to walk to river view which is 1.6 miles. As I started to walk , the sex partners came out asking where i was going. I was not annoyed and didn't want to walk to Florence. I didn't want to quit college and go home I didn't I didn't.

So the solution was Mcdonalds, I ate that, at 7 am. I was still rarin' to go.

So i went back to my dorm after a conversation with ....one individual on how he thought "it was". I laughed and thought it was funny. I told him that the quality of it was his punishment.

THEY CALL ME THE PUNISHA.

My McLife, a true jersey shore-istic show starring, me, the star of the show.

So today I was crucified via texting, which is on the very tippy top of my list of favorite things to have happen on a Wednesday.

Wednesdays, as they say, is called "hump" day, not "scream at someone because you have no idea what you're talking about".....day.

"If she has 788 friends, why does she take pictures of herself?"

I really enjoy getting novel length texts, yelling at me in unrecognizable bitch language. Yes, bitch language. Little do you "bitch talkers", know is that I do not understand anything that you are saying. My favorite response to these novels is "K", that doesn't often go over too well. As you could imagine.

So then I got MacDon's and it made it all better, because I know that sodium also serves as a...

-Muscle relaxer
-Distraction
-A nicotine equivalent
-Morphine effect
-Mental healing
-McMediation

I like to McMeditate, it really helps clear my problems. Without McMeditation I probably would pull a "Carrie" moment and kill everyone in a fiery inferno.

Im in a civil union with a salad.

I would like to initiate my bloganza with this statement.

My farts smell like rotten eggs. I would describe it as rancid. Rackin' rancid. Rusty rancidity. 

Thats what it is.

Blame it on the MacDons, gotcha feelin gassy, blame it on the frappe, gotcha feelin' nastay, blame it on the so- so so so so sodium, blame it on the so so so so so sodium!

I think I have  contracted the Streptococcus virus. This virus is dangerous and could cause the return of the dinosaurs. This virus needs to be monitored at all times and could lead to the spread of Steptococcus dinosaur virus, which has the same effect on your throat as drain-o. How do i know this? It happened to me.

I returned to the prehistoric era, once or twice , or maybe just once, i don't remember, and I saw the virus with my very own eye. Yea I only got to see it with one. I mean this thing was comparable to cabbage. How do i see a microscopic virus? Well i got permission from the Supreme court of Vege-straws to give me permission to use my shrink-ray-teleporter. I was able to shrink to microscopic size using this excellent invention I made out of a toaster oven. 

Speaking of cabbage, I ordered a burger today from the cafeteria and they picked an entire lettuce farm and put it on my burger. I know lettuce is good for you, and I'm not here to argue that, I'm just saying that some people may not enjoy to eat their weight in lettuce for lunch. Its not a personal problem, its a choice. I am pro-lettuce-choice. Its a merit of mine. 

I just farted, and realized that I'm farting into a chair with foam type material underneath the upholstery, which means my fart is being sucked deep into the foam, thus incubating the stench. This stench is probably using budding , to , you know, replicate itself, while using glycolysis to produce ATP to feed the fart, in order for it to grow. I think aerobic respiration is allowing it to live without sunlight. It all makes sense now.

If only I could harness its power for evil. 

You can find me in da club, bussles full of bub got mine get what you need, into feelin chub.

Did you know what 50 dollars of McDonalds looks like? WELL NOW YOU KNOW. They actually, put the fries and other food masses into different bags. They're kind of racist here.

So my suite mates and I just got into a stern conversation about the polar ice cap we like to call our room. One of my suite mates likes to turn the air conditioning to 55 degrees at night. So this morning, like many other mornings, I actually woke up out of a dead sleep I was so cold. I walked out and looked at the thermostat and it read 59 degrees. OUR ROOM WAS 59 DEGREES. What is wrong with you? Are you trying to give me hypothermia while I sleep? Just because you sleep in snow pants doesn't mean I should have to. Its unhealthy to woken up by excessive temperature. He tried to murder me. Murder I say, first degree!

Oh, to continue, I said "I really enjoyed waking up out of a dead sleep only to find myself frosted to my bed". I walked away in proud mode, only to see the little green light on the thermostat that indicated the air conditioning was on. I looked, it was set to 55. So I trounced back into the room and screamed "HA NICE TRY", and then proceeded to swifter away in my swiffer hideaway.

Another funny thing that happened, is my hands were covered in FB (face brownie) and I smeared it all over their door. What about that isn't hilarious.

Don't stop get it get it , steady watch me navigate ha, ha, ha, ha-ha!

Mallory Kristine Charlotte Agatha Marie

She's one in a million.... once in a life time,...she made me discover the stars above us.

SHES ONE IN A MILLION!

And she comes, Miss Mallory Kristine Charlotte Agatha Marie, she's a star, you will know who she are! She's won because...

She wants to save the Indian government from the impending attack from the Keebler Elves! She cares about worldly affairs! Thats not the only worldly affair she's been involved in, she's had sex with 17 government officials in Japan!

She cares about children, she's actually been caught kidnapping kids from Russia to serve as her make up artists, she really wants to give them opportunities!

She feeds the poor! She grinds up homeless people and feeds Africa with their remains! She has everyones best interest!

and thats why....

SHES YOUR MISS UNITED STEAKS!

What is wrong with you?

(picture everything below in a word bubble)

Why is your hair like that?
Who cut it?
......That's unfortunate
Are white people allowed to have dreadlocks?
I wonder what their mom thinks.
I wonder if they're mom looks like them.
I wonder if they're mom did it with them.
Why are you wearing that?
Thats just a little out of hand.
It's kinda disgusting.
Where did you even buy that?
What is that store called?
That reminds me of Hot Topic.
Do people who dress like that always have guitars?
Why can't musicians blend in?
Your voice isn't even good, and you look like a troll.
You have red hair and you have dread locks, thats cool and different.
Don't look at me.
Sick.
Stop singing in my direction
Wow this taco bell is going to get cold.
Where the fuck is the shuttle
.....of course they'd be here
Im going to push them in front of the shuttle
Oh ok they left
Finally on the shuttle
Where the fuck am i going to sit.
No I'm not sitting next to you don't invite me with your eyes
I'll sit here
You just touched my foot
Ok I'm at my dorm that god
Where the fuck are my keys, ok i found them
Is that all you do is swipe cards?
Yea it is.
This elevator is taking forever
Wow this elevator stinks.
Why is door locked
Oh yea i locked it.
It fucking stinks in here
I should probably blog

I got 99 problems and they all bitches.

Smells. What a fun thing.

I don't know why my suite is a smelly attractant, as my suite harbors a plethora of smells. Some not even of this country (NOT KIDDING, HEY INDIA COLOGNE). So as I was skyping with Aunt Sil, i was so rudely interrupted about 87 times. Aunt sil and I are always in intense conversation and cannot be interrupted , my suite mate was just being a RUDE RUTHIE! Anyway Ruth, as I was saying. After I answered the door that was knocked upon, that door was mine, I was  bombarded with smells of hell. Evidently, when you pee on the floor and don't tell anyone, it starts to smell like piss everywhere. Listen Hippy, piss in the toilet and I won't have to hurt you, even though I just threatened to harm you if you didn't get your god damn scents out of my proximity.

He tried to blame it on the cans in the bathroom. Listen Mr. Compulsalie, my cans were thoroughly rinsed before being placed strategically in the bathroom. The last time I checked, soda didn't smell like piss. Maybe you should try drinking water instead of drugjuice. After accusing him of doing it, he said, "Nah man, my pee is definitely all white". You obviously don't know what water is. Your pee is not white when you are hydrated, it is clear. "White with a tint of yellow". Listen, White-Yella, get your piss scents and bon fire spray away from me.

I got 99 problems and 98 of them are bitches and 1 of them is a hippy.

When I drop all of my apples say.

I would first like to start out by saying "conversate" is not a word. No, not yet. The word COULD be "converse". Why bother to add 'ate' when it's clearly not necessary, do you 'reversate' your car? 'rehearsate' a presentation? 'immersate' something in water? You could, but you would be fuckingate your sentencate upate.


Well you know what I came to eat, to drink, to fry, mcdonalds, I'm high! Yea, high on sodium.


Evacuate the lobby, I'm infected with 20 pounds (woah, woah). They call me the singer, number one cha-chinger, I bring down the house with my bling-er, ya dinger. 


So today in math 90, Mahogany looked a little upset that she got a 71 percent on her test. I mean, I would be upset too if I didn't understand what a fraction is, or what to do with one. 


So as I was walking through the union today, I realized I was surrounded by gothic people at one point. Ya I like 'em all yea yea I like 'em all. Short and tall. Gothics are cool and not weird at all! Ya! Ya look dead! Ghostbusters!


I swifty swiffered away at a high rate of swiff. Completely unaware I was entering G-Unit zone, I should have known. The reason I knew I was in the G-Unit zone was because all of a sudden the decibel level went up about 80 ,and the language went of audible to foreign flap jaw. 


And to top it off, the lady who was working the cash register in front of Taco Bell in the Union couldn't swipe my damn card the correct way. There is only so many ways to swipey swap a card through a swapper. Just swap it on through.


That Taco Floosy.

Im gonna need some duct tape to takect that up.

I jus' put ma' elba' down' on dat der labtrap eh, and den it slided a 'lil bit then my er, elba' got crunched inta' the crevasse of ma' computa'!

DAT WAS A STINGER EH?

BELLY, DAT SOUNDED LIKE SEAL EH?

At tit, a teet teet tot, a teety tot make it hot , pop lock and drop it.

They call me prince Ali cause I'm so hard to-see, there aint no buddy but-me among these fug-lies.

I'd like to debut my rap career. It's a career that will get me far in the cereal of life.

In all seriousness, I just asked Aunt Sil to help me with my project. My project was CORRECTLY translated as "I need someone to sleep with me". It is what my project is about so don't say its not when it isn't even talking about tater tots. Thats just a little ridiculous that you would that think celery would have anything to do with a misprinted price tag. Who gagged, on that price tag, word.

Sick.

RING THE ALARM AND I'LL BE DAMNED IF YOU BLOG WITHOUT ME BLOGGIN FIRST

She be rockin to the cones i'll let it flow.

So they call me Weezy F baby, thats because I wheeze and have no voice. Some people in the hood call me Voiceezy, thats my stage name. That is also my G-Unit name, thats what the G-Unit calls me. When I'm the hood with the G-Unit. I am there a lot, I take the Mayfair bus to the gang headquarters. Is it called a headquarters when you're a bad ass? Or is it called a crib. Well I'm heading the gucci crib for my triple-A meeting. With the G-Unit.

At the playhouse I defeated every single member in a game of Pang-Pung. It was way better than ping-pong, because you use guns. See how much sassier that is? And to replace the ball we use a human ear. Yea, its pretty inense.

Sometimes when I go to the mickey mouse club, I like to bring baked ziti, for all my gang mates. Home cooked meals are a rarity the Get-Toe. The Get-Toe is different than the ghetto. The ghetto becomes the Get-Toe when my big toe is there. Its a tribal event.

And finally sometimes when I go to Laguna Beach, I always offer a psychology hour. You have no many idea how many G-Units actually have feeling actually. G-Unit often stands for Grumpy unit because they are all so darn crabby! Its not my fault your uncle hit you in the head with a heroine spoon when you were 6, its not that big of a deal. Not like you can catch heroine.

My ziti is done!

I just did something and I thought it was really funny so that made me want to do it more

So I'm taking online classes at Cheezit Academy now, so, thats fun ..and...different. So I'm doing that.

Also, i've decided to legally copyright the name Colby DeZit. Because that is also fun and different and that would be a good alias for when I have to escape the country.

When  got back to my dorm today I got back to my dorm today I saw a cup filled with about 3 inches of water. Not 3 ounces, 3 inches, pay attention. So naturally, I dumped it in front of my suite mates door, because I thought it would be funny. I contemplated running the water out of the glass so it went under the door, but I want element of surprise from the sunrise. You know, you can't just get buck wild right off the bat. That would be a little out of someones hand. 

Someone was singing spice girls today in Mcdonalds, I mean the whole foods market, and the only reason I knew it was a spice girls song is because they kept saying "oh my god that is my favorite spice girls song". What. No.

In addition, I cease to have a voice, well I have one I'm just saying that at the moment it was incapacitated due to external forces that are powerful enough to break through my voice stronghold that I have created to that optimus prime couldn't even break in. Why optimus prime would want to steal my voice , I don't know, I mean I suppose it is the voice of an angel.

So to conclude my hypothesis I would like to accept my hypothesis that Flo Rida did in fact come after the state of Florida.

This degree is going to be a floosy.

So i've decided what I want to do for the rest of my monotone life.

Im going to get my bachelors degree from the Saint Thomas Moore Christian School of Stripping.

The classes there are really hard, and the program is really hard to get into. But i think I can be ...hard....enough.

The program does take about 4 years, and I will have to do a lot of clinical's and field work to fulfill my apprenticeship requirements. I also have to think of a stage name before I enroll, and you know they say, that will make ya or rake ya.

Well that was a double whammy, stage name and work out before i go to school? Hocus pocus what a locus!

It also guarantees you a job after college, they place you in a cl-....i mean corporation. I will work my way up many ladders......and slide down them. But hey,.....Hey.

In addition I will probably minor in customer service, i mean, it really helps rake in those extra leaves. If you know what I actually mean actually, for actually.

Yea and then I'm going to get ripped on stage and shit everywhere

You have got to be shittin' me.

Hey hey what can i say, crapity crap da crap da crap shit.

So im switching my major to nothing. Im actually to major in nothing and minor in a little bitt a something, but just a step up from nothing. So i guess you can say I'm just stinkin around. Oh, did i tell you that college sucks? Yea it does, the work sucks, and i don't care about anything at the moment. I like being home, being in milwaukee just depresses me sometimes. What? My pictures don't look depressing? Oh young turtle toad, those pictures are drunk-ctures. Of couse I'm happy, I'm out on the town. Yes Town.

So, not playing sports makes me depressed, and I missed intramural sign up at milwaukee. What i meant was everything is working out perfectly and its going great and perfect and great. Great actually.

So i pretty much go into every situation with guns a' blaizn' and arms akimbo because I like to be aggressive. I feel like nothing really goes in the way I think it should so , gotta make it a little spicy or sassy, if the outcome is the same. Might as well do it he fun and sun way. Sundrop, make it pop , pop lock and drop it , drop it the floor ya boom.

Where's is the beach.

FB stands for more than Facebook and Fuck Buddy....

It also stands for FACE BROWNIE!

This is just a fun pump-up ritual that I do. It pumps me up. Its like a pre game for everything. I like to do this before I

-Skype
-Talk to someone important
-Go to the bathroom
-My food before I eat it
-Put on my glasses


That is just a short list of face brownie appropriate moments.

It really exfoliates the skin and degreases your face. It has built in botanicals to enrich the nutrients in your dermis. It rejuvenates your pyruvates while intensifying your melanin.

It does it all, who wouldn't want it all. Bar brawl, bar crawl, use it on a fat owl.

I am so glad im so ugly with my ugly hair and ugly self with my non-friends

So.

Apparently.

I learned, today, within these last 12 hours, I learned about all my apparent unattractive features. Thanks to my friends, they just lift me up, like flyleaf, but better.  Better than an hot air balloon. Better than a zip lock bag. Its relevant. Did you know curly hair is ugly? Well I do now and so you do! Thank you for enlightening me today in the student union, its enlightenment center!....of enlightenment!

So Koty left for mars today, at least he can have his phone and internet while he is on mars. Today I texted him after he left saying:

"I just talked to my good friend Obama, and he agreed to discharge you from the military completely because I asked and that would happen and work so yea you can come back now"

So now I'm back to square one. The first square. One Squared.

I think im just going to propose my life to MTV to make a reality show. I think it would be very entertaining, we could call it Riverview Shore.

Im going to eat this brownie...right ....about......fart.......now!

Green Green Green Machine.....Shashine.

Keepin it green, going green is what I'm doing, thats where I am , thats who I am, what about slam, and thats Sam I am.

Today after grammatically correct and spelling error free exam, I went back to my dorm to start slaving away on 2/15ths of an assignment. It didn't take me 46 hours, that it did not do so don't say it did because i was there and I have Aunt Sil as a witness so she can testify in a court of slaves.

Cheezits, thats what I eat. Oh speaking of Beats, I told Aunt Sil to download David Guettas latest album called "Nothing But Beats". To Aunt Sil's disappointment there were no actually beets involved in the making of this album. She wanted a song about beets, god.

In addition to this day, Aunt Sil and I had several dance parties that resulted in embarrassing christmas party photos. They should be kept in King Tuts tomb, they are that sacred. 

So I keep adding cans to the bathroom, obviously. But today Hippy came in my room and asked if he could throw all of them away. I was offended. I was disturbed. His face was about to be curbed. Blurb. How could he even think about thinking about throwing those cans away. I told him to leave them there, or beware of the dungeon dragon.

What were I saying about candy porn?

Above is just a little nemonic device I use. What it really is, is a card from my sister. Nicki Minaj. I can't reveal the content of this card just yet, because it is to sacred and deserves its own blog and analysis.

Did you want to have a dance party in a lounge on a floor that you don't live on?

Did you want to slam your ass into the window?

Did you want to cannon ball into the love sack?

Did you want to dance-chase people down a hallway that you don't know?

Did you want to though


Oh and I'm cutting the cakeeee when no ones hereeeee

30 seconds to lard

I just burned down the union, so nobody has to worry about it anymore.

The internet kept kicking me off, so I called in reinforcements to blow the bitch up. So I evacuated and I walked away from it as it exploded. It was just like the movies. You could probably insert a pitbull song in there too.

There was a guy sitting near me in the union a few minutes ago who had purple hair. Thats new, and interesting.

Oh, so I can see the building I need to be in in approximately 11 minutes from now, but I don't want to walk there. The hurricane force winds are really what I'm looking forward to. So i think instead of walking to the building I'm just going to blow through the roof like superman and fly there. Because that would happen, and work.

All up on you, y'know you wanna clone it.

Im going to start by saying that this day thus far was thoroughly planned and there was no confusion of any kind.

Apparently, today is not Tuesday. Its not Tuesday until tomorrow. First problem, when you set your alarm for 9:20 thinking its Tuesday because your class obviously starts at 10, you will miss your 9:30 class because it is in fact Monday. Not Tuesday.

After becoming immediately stressed out that I missed the class, I reset my alarm for 10 so I could get up and around for my 11 o'clock class. So I awaken from my beauty sleep of 4 hours total to get ready for the rest of my classes. After a shuttle ride taking longer than a trip to the moon, I'm finally at the union. I start walking to my math class and I notice a few people that are in my class at 11 walking away from the union. Thats weird, we have class in 10 minutes. I get all the way up to the room to see a note posted stating "Math 90 sections will not meet today, Julie" 

There was no insta-rage.

If I wasn't so retarded, and checked my email like I do EVERY morning, I would have seen that there was no class being held by JULIEGENSRICK today. 

I think today was an overall success so far, and can't wait to see what happens next.

Oh I got hit in the face with the zipper of someone's jacket on the shuttle. Then I beat them.

Im drinking green tea.

Late night nearsighted thought processes of horrible visual clarity therefore they may or may not be valid in a court of law

Hey insomnia, its me, Jason.

So its almost 4 am. Not to say that it is 4 am to everyone because that would be untrue, I'm just saying that my clock says its almost 4 am , so tarts what I have to go by under the Lemon Law.

I've been up thinking about what I want to do with the rest of my life. Buzz-kill, I know. As annoying as it is, this topic actually matters.

I've been putting thought into actually pursuing psychology. Yes i know, everyone and their grandma has a psychology degree. But I really like listening to people and their bull shit- I mean emotional problems.

Anyway, so I do this thing where I put my empty soda cans in the bathroom. I don't know why i think this is so funny, but I keep doing it. My suite mates think that when they stack them in a pile by the door that they have defeated me. Think again.

So I can't decide whether I want to try one of those "Naked" drinks because part of me thinks they look completely disgusting and part me really wants to try one. I heard "Green Machine" is really good, but I will test this tomorrow. I will post a repulsive reaction-face picture, even if I like it.

Oh, Jersey Shore has had a marathon all day, even though today isn't the real today because its 4 am, so yesterday. I don't know why I like it so much, I just think everything that happens is hilarious. We actually talked about this in one of my discussions for JAMS class. We had to name a guilty pleasure related to the media. It was an ice breaker, we all know how much I love icebreakers. As we went around the room some MALES said they watch iCarly all the time. Not much response besides some laughter. BUT the moment I said that I watch Jersey Shore every Thursday when the new one airs, you would have thought I told them Santa wasn't real for the time. I was CRUCIFIED by the entire class for watching that "crap". Excuse me sir, weren't you the one who watches iCarly? I think there is so much more wrong on so many levels with that.

But hey, crucifixion is definitely what I had looked forward to that day. I don't know how I got on the topic of that story, as it happened 2 weeks ago. Maybe it was 3 weeks ago. Maybe it was 18 days and 36 minutes ago. But you know, who's counting.

Is it better to sleep for 3 hours or none, I'm not sure. It never works out well either way. Damn my caffeine immunity/addiction.

So earlier tonight my RA was knocking on everyones door asking if anyone knew who stabbed enormous holes in the love sack in the lounge. There was allegedly love sack-fillings all over the lounge that had to be cleaned up, I never saw said fillings and I live right next to the lounge, but whatever. So he knocks on the door and give us his spiel. Then he says, "and if you or anyone else knows who did this , and you don't turn them in or turn yourself in, the whole floor will have to pay for it, got that Jason?" My response was "Ha, right" and I walked back into the dorm. Get fucking real Leonard, why the hell would I kamikaze-attack the love sack with a machete for no reason. If I had thought of it earlier, I probably would have put it in the elevator. Because thats funny. Not retarded like ripping up a love sack, who cares and who does that.

The McDonalds lobby opens in 18 minutes, just if anyone was wondering, no actually I know you were.

Oh quote I just heard on TV:

"I can lose weight for free but its gonna take about 10 grand to fix your fucking FACE"

Hilar.

"DIETS, YOU'RE OBSESSED"

So Aunt Sil just scolded me.

She told me that i've become obsessed with diets. I don't know why she gets so upset when I tell her about all the greek diets i've discovered. There was this Russian diet I found where instead of sticking your finger down your throat, you use a piece of celery. SEE? HEALTH.

Then she punched me in the face.

RAH RAH IM A BARFING DRAGON (sick)

"Don't ever fucking wear that again"

So for some examples of how I like to ...you know....emotionally crush people, here we are.

"So should i go up there"

"For one, don't ever fucking wear that again if you're going to black girls room, this is not the Masters"

"Hahaha what you do mean Masters"

"The fucking golf...thing"

"(laughs) ha fine dude"

"Also, don't text her 87 times a minute, because you will become a sex offender"

"I don't text her that much!"

"Ya what about that 3 hour voice mail you left her on friday"

"I was drunk"

"Ya so was I and I didn't leave no 3 hour voice mail on Ashlie Zeutizus's phone did i? Sir this is getting out of hand"

--------Few minutes go by---------

"Are you texting her"

"Ya"

".......So are you trying to get on the sex offender list?"

"Duuuuude I'm trying so hard why won't she answer"

"Im going to go talk to her"

*Me= walk walk walk walk walk*

"Hey DeRea, so Koty..."

This is the part where she tells me how many times she talks to him, and how she isn't in to him and just wants to be friends blah blah blah blah blah.

I go back down to the lounge.

"Its a no go, nope, not gonna happen"

"*sigh* i knew it"

"then why the fuck did i go up there, i am TIRED I AM EXHAUSTED FROM THE BUILDING I JUST SCALED"

I am just such a good helper.

My psycho-social powers

Im switching everything.

Im going to major in psycho-social........ology, and I'm going to minor in alcohology.

I have found my calling. Its to hurt peoples feelings. To really bring them down to earth and crush all of their dreams they've ever had. 

If only I was as good at solving other people's problems as I was at solving my own. No I mean to say that I don't have any problems because my life is perfect and everyone loves me. Clear-ly.

So i  have decided that people like the bluntness that I most times only display around Aunt Sil. So I'm going to continue being mean. Aunt Sil has taught me the ways of making people think I like them, when we really talk about killing them on a daily basis. She has taught me well.

So now that i've found my calling I can continue cutting this cake.

Cuttin' the CaaaAAaaake when no ones TheeEErrree

AHHH (CHH) PUSH IT.

Keepin' in classy.

So after the previous NOT depressing blog, you're probably looking at this picture thinking "heeeeeey train wreck". There is nothing judicially wrong with going to the hookah bar with some acquaintances when there is nothing to do. Well there actually was things we could have done instead, but the hookah bar was the obvious choice.

So before i go any further, I would like to dissect this picture.

-Middle finger = class
- Smoke = "heeey thick ma"
- Whose eyes? Nothing

White chocolate, make it rain. Gucci. IsThick. Andddd moving forward.

Another thing that contributed to the stellar and cellular mood I was in yesterday, is that I found out my friend Koty is being deployed in 9 minutes. What? Another friend leaving? No completely fine and normal for all of someone's new friends to be swiffered away.

AAAAh (CHH) PUSH IT.

I followed a tutorial on youtube on how to do the Push It dance, just for a few laughs. Of course Aunt Sil was observing my every move. My dance was soon only to be interrupted by said avalanche in Aunt Sil's apartment. Good thing a few months earlier I prepared her on how to handle an avalanche by performing the "test water dump" drill. After said clean up she knew how to handle this new force of nature.

I need to keep cutting this cake in my pants before I go to a movie later. There is a lot of cake to be cutten.

Untitled

So i have decided I decided everything sucks. But its fine.

I am really sick of things never working out in my favor, ever. Whether I try or don't try, it doesn't really effect the outcome at all. My life consists of sitting back and watching everyone else's lives unfold in exciting and dramatic ways. I would even take dramatic right now, over this horse shit.

I normally try to not let this get to me, because its annoying and a waste of energy. Im blogging this so i can get this off of my mind. I need to knock this attitude off right now. Right now.

So tonight it'll be me and The Fray, doing some homework.

TOOTY KABOOTY

 HEY TOOTY KABOOTY, WHATS GOIN' ON Y'VONNE?

Oh...hey...Just rockin' in a well.


So today I decided I would try this super new cool thing to put the pictures on the side, cool I KNOW. Its really hard to do.

This week has been filled with, both, of what you see on the side.

Coke and Dairy.

So tonight, after my door was being battering rammed by vikings a.k.a. my RA, I decided I would go get my ice cream and the mail. No this wasn't only the second time I left my room all day, don't say it was cause it wasn't, I was out all day, I was.

Today I only have consumed an average of only 700 calories, as Aunt Sil knows, I am trying to bring back my international modeling career. I was very famous in Indonesia as I am SO tall. They really were just not finding people as tall as me, so OBVIOUSLY they found me on Facebook a few years ago (in my prime) and I agreed to be a famous model.

Oh let me elaborate on how I killed my suite mate.

On Thursday, hippy decides that since he isn't going to class today, so naturally he is going to take a 45 minute shower in the exact time slot that I need to get ready. Sheer convenience. So I was patient through the time 8:45 to 9:10, then I started to get enraged. I proceeded to yell "HEY 45 MINUTE UNNECESSARY SHOWER THANK YOU".

This set the perfect tone for the day, where I then killed everyone else. I also had a very close horsefly encounter, in which I used my verbal flyswatter to disarm it.

It was a near death experience.

Sorry I have to keep rockin' in this well

Oh NERDASKA!!!

NERDASKA!!! THIS ONES FOR YOU!


So today, I decided that it would be a good idea to slam on my snooze button 19 times. This resulted in me getting out of my dragons lair at 9:18. My class starts at 9:30. As you can see this time crunch posses a problem, due to the excessive molasses-pace of the shuttles.

I eventually arrived at my class at 9:35, where I wasn't greasy. Let me just say again that I wasn't in a discussion room appearing as if I had jumped into a McDonalds deep fryer.

After my grease-cussion, I naturally ran into my scholarly cousin Kim. We discussed her nasal-voice due to her ailment for a few minutes and we decide that I will come visit her in her office after my exhilarating math 90 class with JULIEGENSRICK.

We part ways and instead of going into Bolton Hall where JULIEGENSRICK was waiting for me, I walked into the union and stood inline at Taco Bell. After realizing that it is in fact NOT lunch time as it is 10:50, I swiftly swiffered over to my math class.

ON TO THE GOOD PART. After leaving math class and arriving at the all girls college, also known as Johnston, I scale 86 flights of old stairs to reach Kims office. Kim's office is not odd shaped, and it was definitely furnished with all the newest imports from Italy. After discussing lesbian porn with Kim and her colleagues, we both moved on in our daily schedule. Kim's next thing on her schedule was to in fact visit the porn chancellor himself to discuss a "confusing" email.

Instead of doing my homework as early as I had planned tonight, I decided to go to Qdoba with the locals to devour a Queso Burrito.

NATURALLY, after Qdoba I skyped with Aunt Sil, where I taught Aunt Sil how to PROPERLY warm up for an antler-callibur workout.

This is all while we sung "YOU AND I" in DISGUSTING octaves.

Im on a soda diet, soda is greek for anorexia

How many points are cheez-its?


So today as I "analogously" worked on my homework pile form hell, Aunt Sil and I obviously skyped for the entire time. Thats the only way we can both be productive. That is why while reviewing vocabulary terms for my exam tomorrow. we would rather sing "Clit Girl", a remix of "It Girl", but clearly better.

"You could have one tit girl!"

While I was working on my english assignment earlier in our conversation, Aunt Sil and I discussed my possible dietary options. I proposed that I partake in the soda diet, because it is clearly the MOST effective. Aunt Sil quickly shot down the idea with a "positive" bullet.

Side note: I felt the need to yell at Aunt Sil every time she responded with anything positive until she finally told me to quit college and move to "Menominee Falls"......I accepted.

The most important part of my blog.

I farted in my suite mates room.


RAH RAH!

Shoulda sent a thank you note, you little hoe

BOOM SHAKA LAKA

HEY HEY WHAT CAN I SAY, DAY DA DA DAY DA DAY DA DAY DAY

So I used my "alien helmet" to kill everyone today.

"Excuse me, do you have time for Jesus? You should, because he had time for you"


".............No"

Don't assault me with your religion while I am trying to get Taco bell, its a bad idea and will end up in the dungeon dragon being unleashed.

In addition, I do not enjoy the musical stylings of the the music students at UWM. You aren't good, don't practice your horrible songs in front of the entire student body in front of the union. We have no idea what you're singing about and you sound like Kathy Griffin, and you're a boy.

"CAMEL BALLS"

Im here to blog about my camel balls.

"Hey Ellery, so I have a question for you"

"Ha what"

"You know those cigarettes with the balls in them"

"yea, menthol"

"yea the menthol camel balls"

"HA WHAT"

"........NOTHING, SO DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE CAMEL BALLS"

Lemme axe you somethin'

If I had a giant fly swapper......

Yes, SWAPPER.

This picture above, is the story of my life. Entertaining myself why others around me are doing things I wish I was. So instead of going into Middle School depressed mode, I would rather just be a complete idiot  and be funny.

This life is getting old and its actually starting to ROYALLY PISS ME OFF. Im too far behind on this Nascar track that I will never catch up I don't think. I know a lot about Nascar, and you can't.

Im not sure if accepting defeat is the only answer right now, but I don't think accepting defeat would be very dragon like; thats what the horseflies want.

Instead, I think I'm going to take a dragon vacation and find some other dragons who are of worthy caliber.

RAH RAH

Push you through a chain link fence.....cheese grater.

Since I couldn't find a picture of me killing someone Kill Bill style, this will have to do.

There is no reason that a jellyfish, like me, has to put up with this horsefly bull shit. Those horseflies are lucky that the dungeon dragon was hibernating today because I almost unleashed my cell dwelling wrath on them.

Horsefly:  Someone who thinks they're a part of every gang; constant flowage of shit out of their mouth. They flock to others bull shit to aid them in making it worse, a.k.a. eating it.

I dealt with many familiar horseflies today, they brought some shit with them today. They don't dare bring their shit into my dragon lair though, they just fly by and drop some shit down by the entrance while they're on their way to the horsefly hive.

Horsefly hive: Meeting place of horseflies.

I've decided that I will fight fire with fire until I can lower the horsefly population in my life.

I have a lot of fire.

 

Im a Jellyfish on the way to Madagascar

Hi my name is Taco McJellyfish. I am doomed to ride this under the sea bicycle for the rest of my aquatic life.  I've decided that instead of competing with the sharks I will join the coral people, where I am accepted amongst the snails.

My cousin Sarah and I have decided that Jellyfish have a slight advantage over snails, but nonetheless we are either headed to Britain or Madagascar.

Maybe i'll just become a cell dwelling dungeon dragon and decimate everyone in my path. This is peak my productivity.

RAH RAH IM A DUNGEON DRAGON.